Letter From the Future By Maria Bamford - Humor

Letter From the Future By Maria Bamford

13 January 2019 – It is still unknown whether people would ever write those pages of letters and use post office after 50 years but a comedian writer have dreamed that if a person to write a letter, how it would be looks alike? what would be the words to include and what could be the situation of human lives? Here is what Ms Maria Bamford has assumed off.

January 1, 2069

Dear Em!li: Oh shoot. I keep forgetting that you go by a different name now! Your aunt Brooklyn is trying to keep up with all the changes in your life #loveyou #!!!!!!

Dear (I wasn’t sure if I should write it out or just cut and paste the actual GIF?) “GIF of Sloth Collapsing into a Green Bucket” (formally known as Em!li : ))

How RU? I’m gd. Yes, your dear old Aunt is still in Cali #livingthedream #hustle. As far as I know, I’m still living in my storage unit. I have my Target-brand VR Goggles set for 68 degrees Fahrenheit IKEA 2066 — so I could be in a ditch and I wouldn’t notice! LOL! Oh! And your mom said you got Stage 8 Lung Cancer (but that you picked up cherry syrup at the Mobil windcharging station and you’re getting over it). I’m in great health — I had Alzheimer’s yesterday, but the cure came in an Amazon Prime Spaceshipment minutes after my diagnosis — so I’m not retiring anytime soon! I just turned 103 and finally got my membership implant from AWOL (Associated for the Working Older and Longer, formerly AARP) and from what they tell me — my life has just begun! I might just run that Megamarathon! #26.2K And YAZ, I’m still #dating #singlesexycentenarian MFW [meme of cartoon snail attempting to sprint]

&TY for the new (High-tech!!!!) Hallmark Emote U sent me! I didn’t know what it was because I’d never received an Emote! I thought maybe it was menopause, but unfortunately I’m still ovulating. I didn’t know you could receive Emotes without an eyescan! How fun to have surprise IRL feelings of your affection for me (as well as a whiff of chocolate chip cookies!) TYSM!!!!!!!!! But — and this is embarrassing to tell you but I have to tell you because I’m your auntie — I also got a few of your slightly resentful feelings about having to send an Emote to your aunt for her birthday (that I’m sure you didn’t mean to send!!) NBD!!! Everyone #SALTY about family, but I know that you’ll be in the job market soon, and it’s just good to edit those out before you’re having professional Emotes to send! That’s why I stick to tweeting at people in paragraphs. It just makes for a lot less misunderstanding and WTF?s.

I really loved your new avatar that you had on over Christmas! I’ll always think of you as this sweet little baby, but now you’ve grown up into an 18 year-old adult who now goes by the name of “GIF of Sloth Collapsing into a Green Bucket” and presents as a fuchsia-furred, bisexual Cantonese male philanthropist in his 60s that I barely recognize. The time has gone by so fast. Next thing you know, you’ll be a dry cheese sandwich with a propensity for being late! Whatever you do, I am and will always be your loving aunt who thinks you are the bees’ knees. (What are bees? Don’t ask!!!)

Your mom and I didn’t have the choices you have, and it’s so exciting to see your life unfold. I always wanted to be an androgynous Honduran with a lisp and a love of conscious dance, but we didn’t have the technology. I don’t know if you knew that my name — “Brooklyn” — was given to me by my mother for the underwater city off the coast of Indiana. TBH, you, my fuchsia-furred Chinese man-niece, are so more advanced than I was at your age. #TURNT!

You must think I’m old-fashioned that I would choose to stay with my original avatar, especially when it’s a C-average, heterosexual, introverted old white female. But, J4F, I am trying new things! Your mother gave me the 2069 Samsung Pro-Talker Overlay Implant for my birthday. She showed me how it works over my iPhone HeadSpace (which I was somehow able to successfully download during my “Seniors Over a Century” vacation to Saturn!) It is amazeballs. Now I can lead lemmings over a cliff, connect sincerely with children, or even be outrageously boisterous in a rugby scrum! But it’s a little uncomfortable with the brain catheter through the neck. I don’t know. And I’ve gotten so used to conversation lulls over the years. Lulls can be lovely — especially if there’s a wall to stare at. But I guess nobody has walls anymore.

Did you know that where I live in Los Angeles was once the capital of the entertainment industry and I got paid to wink for millions of dollars per second? And MY aunt — your grand-aunt Barb — she — hundreds of years ago — would speak! For a lot less money per hour IRL! #LIT! Now, of course, all production has moved to Duluth, MN, where the freshwater is. And I hear all you have to do now to have a career in show biz is to experience feeling nonverbally and have a pair of tits.

Now, my sweet “Gif of a Sloth Collapsing into a Green Bucket,” I have a request. Like my aunt Barb (#QUEEN #ICON), I am childless and get to boss my niece around. Would you please promise me that you will learn to eliminate on your own? I know nobody does it anymore and we have services — but I just think — if ever something happens, it’s just good to know how to poop and pee. Your mom says you’re a Whole Foods Internal Eternal Destiny Diaper fan — but I think there’s something really important about making your own bowel movement. It’s actually — quite fun and rewarding. Back in the day, my husband used to have some real crowd-pleasers. I hate that young people miss out on that experience.

Welp, that’s enough from me. I may be wrong with my advice. Aunt Barb advised me to collect Delta Universemiles because she got to “diamond” level and loved a free banana. Huge mistake. I now have enough miles for a one-way ticket to Mars. I should have been investing in human relationships LOL!!!


Your Aunt Brooklyn
Written By: Maria Bamford – 48-Year-Old American Comedian Living in Los Angeles, CA with hubby and two 20-year-old dogs. often writes in various topics.